Candles and other obvious metaphors

So, radio silence.

What I haven't been saying here, or rather what I've been saying by not saying anything here (are we following?), is how I'm terrified that med is not my One True Vocation and that I'm going to turn out to be a incompetent doctor, bitter and resentful at how it's taken up my life.

I think it's partly because of our lack of clinical stuff this year so far, with hardly any patient contact. Buried beneath the books, the weekly grind of Working Problems, it's easy to lose sight of where it's all leading. I fear that I still don't own medicine; being a student doctor isn't part of my identity. Compare this with learning French- it is a part of me, it was my passion (at least for a while). Whereas with med, part of me is standing to the side, half amazed at what knowledge I have managed to pick up, half bemused and terrified at the thought of one day being Dr Tina. Who, me? What a ridiculous notion. With my heart not really in it, I was afraid that I would be a half-ass doctor, knowing just enough to get by, fooling the less critical of my patients. And that's just not what I want out of life; I want to be brilliant at what I do, passionate, absorbed. Sure there are doctors who can do other things at the same time, like my hero Oliver Sacks, the great neurologist who's written about things as diverse as music and botany. But I don't have that kind of protean genius; I know that just getting to grips with the mountains of med knowledge will take up most of my efforts, leaving my other interests by the wayside.

Also, med frustrates my desire for creativity and Making a Difference. You're at the coal face, applying other people's technologies and research, with your impact being limited to the patient in front of you, basically working as an algorithm-churning machine. Yes, it is a noble and important job and satisfying in its way, too. But it's constrained. The scientist who invents a new vaccine, the politician who brings in universal health care, the teacher who shapes a class-full of young minds...that's how you multiply your impact. Yeah I realise how grandiose and naive that sounds. I know my limitations, but I want to use what I've got for the greatest effect and satisfaction.

In short, I felt trapped. Trapped by the 5 years I've already spent at uni, the $100k debt, the expectations of family, the 5 years of Bonded practice and at least 7 years of advanced training awaiting me. So I've been idly surfing for alternative lives. An English-for-foreigners teaching diploma, a correspondence course for a Grad Dip Psychology.

These worries have been sloshing around for months now, and I never thought to speak them to anyone. It's taboo. Then yesterday had a chat with Chris. A light of hope! She told me that she too has doubts about clinical med being her life's work. I'm not alone. She's interested in business, finding a niche to fulfill future healthcare needs. Now that is exciting stuff, where new ideas are possible. She wants a non-profit branch to her biz too, and suggested that I be part of that, doing some kind of travelling medico-journalism kinda thing. What a pipe dream, what perfection! It's so obvious. One of my main objections to Being a Writer (ooh la la) is that I'm crap at making up stories. But lo, there are many stories in med. As I was reminded today- we had a palliative care placement, and oh how it was lovely talking to a patient. With 10 years of cancer but still seemingly well, he told us about his love for the bush and his career as a forrester, his worldwide travel, his passion for Schubert and art. In fact he's going to Sydney tomorrow to buy a Schubert CD of the most beautiful piece ever, he says. So among my notes about his medical history of hip replacements and diabetes is a citation for Piano Sonata in B flat, D960. Have a listen (I downloaded the Lipkin one). I dunno about "best evah", but it sure is beautiful, especially the second movement. For Friday I've volunteered to be the one quizzing him about the psychospiritual stuff (what a silly term for "what do you think about dying?").

Whether or not these are impossible dreams, suddenly the trap seems less deathly tight. The inevitable bitter end - haggard repressed half-assed GP - doesn't have to be that. There's something to work towards and hope for. I'm reminded how I convinced myself to get into med in the first place and it doesn't seem quite so self-delusional- that people and their stories are pretty damn awesome.

Now for the "study and pass" bit.

Bella vita

I've been having a mid-exams holiday the past few days. Should probably be studying for the MCQ's on Thurs and Fri but whatever. The worst is over!

No really good stories to share (actually yes I do, coming later) but yesterday I went for a walk at the beach on my lonesome, on a whim. First day it hasn't been bucketing down for about a week and the longest exposure to the great outdoors I've had for waaaay too long. Gorgeous. Blue sky with a mild breeze, not too warm, lots of families and old people and their pets. I smiled at some babies, some dogs smiled at me. I saw strange rocky area where there were three dead birds within a five metre radius and wondered what had happened to them. Hunters? Caught up in the storms? Flu? (back away) Two were seagull size, but another was larger. I wanted to say cormorant, but names of birds, like those of trees and flowers and geological features, are things I only know in books. One of my distant life goals is to associate these names with pictures, so that when viewing the natural world I have a greater conceptual vocabulary instead of "that's a purdy...green thingy". I saw people flying, swooping in the sky on hang-gliders and some form of seated parachute and was tempted to fork out cash right then and there to feel the freedom of it.

I walked for an hour and thought what a great thing it is to have a young, healthy (if unfit) body and a clear mind, and no serious cares in the world, and the future ahead. I made plans for a reshuffling of my life once the exams are over - just how to get organised and study smarter and spend time on what's important. And I decided I love Australia, not in a flag-waving way, because borders are arbitrary and ridiculous. Just the peace and beauty of the country, a beach walk on a Saturday afternoon.

That is the question

1. Why must I rediscover the awesomeness of GarageBand in the middle of exam cramland? That's a Mac music editing program thingo, for you WinTel peoples. I could play with it for hours. You can compose songs with a ton of different tracks and there are built-in licks or whatever they're called. Plus you can record real instruments and then monkey with them- I got my humble acoustic to sound like Santana. Too bad it doesn't actually improve your playing.

2. Given GarageBand's awesomeness, why does the iBook not come with a microphone jack? Stupido.

3. How can tomatoes possibly be a fruit? I refuse to believe it. Biology be damned.

It's t-7 and I've still got like 3/4 of the course to slog through. My bargain with Allah is that if I pass this semester I will study hard over the summer. No really, I will. Not out of dedication or love of humanity, just to attenuate the soul-crushing humiliation that will inevitably come with clinical rotation pimpage.

Actually, haven't really been stomped on that badly so far, even with Mr "Nystagmus? I don't deal with that shit!" Neurosurgeon. He did torture a guy in my group, but I was spared. I wonder if it was because I bluffed my way through some obscureish questions (L'Hermitte's phenomenon was one of his pets) or rather because I'm quiet, Asian, female, and wear glasses. Probably the glasses.

PS. Tarisai is off! Muahahah yes! heh

Carbon footprints in the sand

This blog is so psycho, from angst to Idol to silly videos and back. Multipersonality disorder much!

I just realised what a hectic year there is ahead. Here's the plan:

• Oct 21 - Nov 16: last week of lectures, exam cramming & exams ie. hermitude for 4 weeks
  
• Nov 17 - 25: 1 week clear, maybe go to Melbourne or mini road trip
  
• Nov 26 - 30: Year 3 prep week
• Dec 1 - 7: 1 week clear
  
• Dec 8 - 30: possible trip to the Motherland via Malaysia via Gold Coast (budget Air Asia wot) with the steps... awkward galore.
  
• Dec 31 - Jan 23: 3.5 weeks clear, visit Melb if I don't go in Nov.
  
• Jan 24 - Feb 7: do the Dr Quinn John Flynn thang in Airlie Beach
• Feb 8 - 10: 3 days to prepare for Year 3 and move back into sharehouse
  
• Feb 11 - June 29: kill self in what's said to be the hardest academic semester to date (derm, opthalm, the REST OF MED that we haven't learnt yet) - with 2 weeks' midsem hols in April
• June 30 - Jul 13: midyear 2 week break, probably go to Melbourne and show Kezface around Syd
  
• Jul 14 - 20: GP week in some random rural town
• Jul 21 - Sept 7: jump into the deep end in first ever clinical term in Armidale for 7 weeks. Total 2.5-3 months of rurality.
• Sept 8 - 28: 3 weeks midsem holidays, prepare for Health Equity Selective
  
• Sept 29 - Oct 24: thrown into deep end again for HES in Mauritius? Vanuatu? Northern Territory? Mexico, Malawi?! Must get this organised soon.
  

Come to think of it, the last year has been Melb, Syd, Newie (lather rinse repeat) + Albury + Brisvegas, Gold Coast + Tahiti, NY, Niagara, Toronto, Ontario, Montreal, Quebec City, Boston, DC. The mind boggles. I've gotta plant a tree or something.

In fact why shouldn't I spit up some HES thoughts here and get ideas from the gallery. Criteria are:

1. Clinically challenging. HES isn't officially a clinical placement, but it's 8 weeks and there's only so much observation of health systems you can do! Don't just want to bum around on a beach all day either, which some people have done. But also don't want to go to a place where the only tools you have are...I dunno, a handsaw and sewing kit. Cos that would be a teensy bit scary.
   
2. Mind-blowing ie. somewhere out of my comfort zone, with a totally different perspective ie. somewhere un(der)developed. As with #1 I'm not sure how I'd cope - a mollycoddled burban girl alone! At this point backpacking Europe would already be challenging, let alone Malawi. But mebbe it'd do me good to go somewhere that scares me pantsless.
   
3. Something that makes the most of the "one chance to do whatever the hell you want to" aspect of HES. I imagine that the rest of my career will be pretty conservative - if I'm cautious now, I'll only be more reluctant to do something batshit after graduation with the added pressure of repaying my bond and HECS and mortgage and whatever grownups have to worry about. HES is different from travel cos you get to see the non-touristy side of things. With NT, this is our only real chance to go in the course. I'm ruling out VN cos my great-uncle has plenty of contacts there and I could go any time.
   
4. Reasonable rouble-wise. NT is government-funded, so far above the others. Vanuatu is cheapo, a hop skip jump from Syd. Mauritius is ok since there are often Air Mauritius deals. Latin America is the most rouble-unfriendly due to airfares. Pacific Islands or Asia would be alright.
   
5. Safe. The guy who talked to us about Peru got pulmonary oedema from altitude....errr. No rape, shooting, or flesh-eating bug infections either. That'd be nice.
   
6. Language. One of the reasons why Latin America was on the top of the list. Love Romance languages, always wanted to learn Spanish properly and when else am I going to? But as the calendar above shows, when am I going to have the time to cram Spanish beforehand? My one semester of Span 101 won't hack it. Another steep learning curve in addition to the meducation I have to survive. Ay caramba. Though my housemate is going to Madagascar with 8 hours of French under her belt! So anyway, some country that speaks English, French, or something easy to pick up, like pidgin. That sort of rules out Asia.
   

Ahhh tis exciting, so many possibilities. I think #1-#3 are the most important, though roubles and safety are preconditions. Educational, mindblowing, one-off.