Rosebush

A portrait of a nervous breakdown. In the past week, I....

• Attempted to cram: dermatology, ophthalmology, diabetes, endocrinology, hepatology, nephrology, orthopaedics, immunology, infectious diseases, cardiology, neurology, respirology, rheumatology
  
• Burst into tears multiple times, including weeping at the piano
  
• Seriously contemplated skipping the joint and running away to do volunteer English teaching in South America, to Find Myself and fucking rebel for once.....to the point of wondering how I can get a debit card and what kind of camping gear I need
• Stayed up til 6-7am
• Studied in bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the dining table
  
• Did not do any exercise beyond going downstairs for food
  
• Read about 1000000 pages of notes and realised just how many lectures I napped in...the handwriting would start off impeccable and then deteriorate to scribbles by the end, heh
• Relived some of my and Ru's intra-lecture exchanges via our margin graffiti
  
• Thought about what I wish I'd told my first-year self: 1) from the beginning approach med as if you were gearing up for the physician's exam, to be a Real Doctor...rather than studenty "I just wanna know enough to pass" or "this isn't on the curriculum" attitude, 2) COLOURFUL PENS and highlighters make a world of difference to how much you feel like studying....typed notes in table format are boring, 3) reading up BEFORE the week starts makes you feel smart and feeling smart makes you study more and studying more actually makes you smarter.
  
• Drank a LOT of Irish Breakfast, English Afternoon and Earl Grey tea
• Obviously peed a lot
• Wondered if I should take the USMLE boards just to solidify my knowledge in the basic sciences
  
• Learned that apparently bee venom is good for fatigue in MS
  
• Wore the same clothes for about 4 days straight
• Undressed to go to shower only to realise that my mum had set the house alarm and had to run downstairs, redressing on the way, to turn it off
  
• Practicised that Granados Oriental piece a bazillion times. Still got to do the middle bit, but am getting pretty good at the first bit except for that fiddly trill
• Did not leave the house for an entire week
• Drank about 12 boxes of lactose free chocolate milk (not that I'm intolerant, it was just free at the GP convention)
• Hit my head against desk
• Snapped at my mother
  
• Talked to myself, a lot
• Ate a lot of mandarins and bagels
  
• Wondered if Jerry blogging was a three-year cry for help
  
• Invented retarded mnemonics like "quatre femmes sit on your lap doing high kicks" (quadriceps, femoral nerve, anterior thigh, extension) (ok, I'm actually proud of that one. the stupid ones are the ones that I make up and then promptly forget)
  
• Realised that I hate medicine and the only things stopping me from ditching it are 1) debt - this bonded thing is a MORTGAGE ON MY SOUL, 2) all these textbooks going to waste, 3) my grandma would be really sad
• Realised I actually enjoy some of medicine and want to be good at it and in my dream "running away to S. America" scenario I'd bring my OHCM
• Discovered that I like pathology (though not the microscope aspects, the mechanisms) and microbiology (cos bugs have identities) and immunology (very logical, fits warfare metaphors well). I hate rote rote rote learning anatomy and drug names
  
• Went outside at 5am, thought about jumping in the pool with my pyjamas on
  
• Considered my extra-academic marketable skills and came up with...diddly squat. Well I can type, write ok, speak French halfarsedly.
  
• Prayed to, and railed at, god...who, by the way, hates humanity, going by some of the horrendous diseases I've seen
• Did nothing but eat, drink, poo, pee and study for days on end
• Told myself I'm a fucking idiot because I'm 22 and all I've done is study and I'm going to fail at that which means I fail at life
• Realised that failure could be liberating and motivating and a Life Experience because I've had it all my way til now...a test of character
  
• Napped on the floor of my study
  
• Decided I need a life: closer friends, diverse interests, a job, LOVE SWEET LOVIN'
• But decided I'm not really ready for the latter til I'm totally happy with who I am, which is not yet
  
• Realised that I have never strayed from the path of least resistance in my life -- never made an autonomous choice, never acted against the destiny set out by my milieu (school, uni, make money, consume)
• Was cheered by reading silly forum posts on the internet
  
• Helped a friend do her job application letter
• Wondered, in the darkest depths of 5am self-pity, who I could call for Listen&Support at such an insane hour...but as always, kept myself to myself
  
• Got really excited about a potential new blogging project and procrastinated for a bit drafting up ideas and posts and thought about how I could even maybe turn it into a book
  
• Woke up the next day and reconsidered it and thought it's probably stupid
  
• Wrote half a post about how my family is totally fucked - >80% divorce rate, some multiple. Also realised I have no blood aunts! Well only one, but she's estranged.
  
• Tried to meditate
  
• Realised that this is all bloody self-indulgent and melodramatic because I have had it so damn easy: parents and grandparents who love me, money, education, health, opportunity...a giant big fat cushion of privilege...not that it was much comfort at the time
• Realised that one day I'd look back and laugh in disdain at myself for thinking that THIS was stress
• Was told by my grandma that according to astrology this year is meant to be a good one for me....hahahahaahahahaha right.
  

Phew. Catharsis.